It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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