I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
