Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
