i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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