I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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