my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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