New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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