I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
