Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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