remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
