i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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