I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
