i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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