I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You smell like stripper and shame
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
