seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
