hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
