I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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