Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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