My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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