Capitaan dildo arrescate!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
