Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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