You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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