Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
