Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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