Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
