don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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