I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
