im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
