Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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