The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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