I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
