If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
