i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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