I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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