I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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