And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
