I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize