just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
