Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
