I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
