Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
