now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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