I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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