I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
