My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize