mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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