My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize