at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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