A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
