I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
