Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
