Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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