she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
