I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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