if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
