new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
