After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
